The Greatest Surprise of Being the Oldest Sister
I thought my job was to show them the way. I never expected them to show me mine.
Dear Jackie and Meredith,
For most of our lives, I thought it was my job to look out for both of you. Then somewhere along the way, without me noticing, the roles reversed.
No one warns you about this. There are no signs, no “Big Sister for Dummies” book to offer a head’s up. Just one day, you’re the oldest, the one who thinks she has all the answers, and the next, bam! You realize you’re calling your little sisters for advice.
When we were growing up, I was the trailblazer. The first to leave home, to go to college, to navigate adulthood. I took it as my responsibility to make the mistakes first so I could show you the way.
Jackie, when you were sixteen and serving as a Senate Page in Washington, D.C., you wrote to me:
“I want to do a college tour with you this summer... you can give me sisterly advice.”
You trusted me completely. Truth is, I was twenty-one and making it up as I went along. Shortly after, you wrote something I didn’t fully appreciate until years later:
“Things you’ve been trying to teach me for years I finally realized... if you ever need a hand, a word or a smile, I’d like to think I could look out for you. It would be an honor.”
And Meredith, your early letters always made me laugh.
“I really really really love you better than I don’t know. Love, Meredith Cohen (in case you forgot who I am since I haven’t seen you in a while.)”
Decades later it still makes me laugh.
As I’ve been rereading both of your letters for this memoir I noticed something I'd somehow missed before. Not just how the bubble letters turned into smoother, more grown up handwriting, but it was the words themselves. The little sisters who once wanted my advice started giving it.
Jackie, after I graduated from college and was feeling lost, you wrote:
“Don’t ever think you aren’t going anywhere... You just have to find what makes you happy... I’m always going to be proud of you.”
How did this little girl who used to come into my bed at night because she was scared, become the one giving me advice about life?
And Meredith, after we'd lost Papa and Uncle Mark within two weeks of each other, you wrote:
“I know you lost two close friends. I would like to step up and be your best friend, someone you can rely on... Sisters by chance, friends by choice.”
I remember reading that letter and crying. Not just because I was grieving, but because I had completely missed the moment the roles changed. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we stopped standing in a line, from oldest to youngest, and simply started standing shoulder to shoulder.
Meredith, in my head you’re still the little girl whose diapers I changed, and who called me Weecee because you couldn’t pronounce my name.
I'll always think of myself as your big sister, but here’s the truth: I admire you both. The lives you've built are full of amazing children, friends, laughter, responsibilities, chaos, and love.
Now, when I’m unsure of something, need perspective, or simply want someone to laugh with, you’re two of the first people I call. Funny, considering there was a time when my biggest concern was keeping you out of my room.
Thank you for letting me go first, for forgiving me when I got it wrong, and for believing in me long before I believed in myself. But most of all, thank you for becoming the women you are. All that time I assumed I was watching you grow up, it never dawned on me that you were watching over me, too.
Turns out, looking up to my little sisters is one of the best surprises of getting older.
Happy National Sisters Day.
With love (and a list of the things you “borrowed” from my closet that I’m still waiting to get back),
P.S. If you have a sibling, I’d love to hear about them. What’s one thing they’ve taught you that you never expected to learn? Or, if you’re an older sibling like me, when did you realize your little brother or sister wasn’t so little anymore? Tell me in the comments. I’d love to hear about them.
P.P.S. Happy 82nd birthday, Dad!
SONG OF THE WEEK
Dear Sister by Scott McKenzie
This post made me tear up. My sister was diagnosed with early Alzheimer's in May of 2024 and it has progressed so fast to a level where she doesn't know how to use her phone anymore and sometimes, she has trouble ordering the food that she has always loved. Obviously, she doesn't drive anymore, and she doesn't understand why she doesn't have a car. It's heartbreaking because we used to talk on the phone almost daily. Now, it's difficult to have a real conversation with her because her brain can't find the word most of the time.
My sister and I have always been close. Some people used to think we were twins, not because we look alike, but we sound alike and as different as we are, we could just look at each other and know what the other was thinking. I am the older sister, but she was always my protector. Now, I just want to turn back time and protect her from this horrible disease.
The last card she gave to me was not too long after she was diagnosed and it's something I keep on my dresser so that I never forget the person who was my best friend.
I have two younger brothers, and I write to them often. sometimes I get a letter from my youngest brother. (he's also kind of famous on Instagram and TikTok) My other brother and I were enemies as children and when I was in my twenties, but now, we are close and talk often and see each other every time one of us is in the other's town
This beautiful. I'm the middle of three sisters, all of us five years apart. Growing up, I don't remember looking up to big sister, nor being looked up to by the younger. We had such different personalities and interests. Still do. All three of us did pretty monumental brave/life-altering things mid-life, and I think until reading your letter here, I hadn't made that connection. We are working together to get our family home cleaned out now; it is engendering an understanding of growing up—and aging—with the same parents.